ADHD in relationships: 3 key challenges and how to navigate them

Earlier this year we were joined by Colette Longden, a National Neurodiversity Training Officer based in Manchester, who delivered a talk for our community all about ADHD in Relationships. 

During the session, we explored the impact that living with ADHD can have on the relationships we form, all the way from childhood to adulthood.

3 Key Challenges with ADHD in Relationships

1. Emotional Dysregulation

One big culprit for relationship difficulties amongst ADHDers is emotional dysregulation. In short, this means that people with ADHD experience difficulties controlling and managing emotional responses.

What does emotional dysregulation look like?

• A weak ability to manage and regulate ‘big’ feelings
• An emotional response that might not fall within the context of the conversation

How can emotional dysregulation impact relationships?

• Misinterpreting others’ actions
• Frequent conflicts and outbursts
• Issues with communication and expressing emotions

Remember: You’re not ‘too dramatic’ or ‘too sensitive’, despite what you might have been told. Your feelings are valid, even if they seem like an overreaction to other people.

2. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

Up to 99% of adults with ADHD identify as being more sensitive than usual to rejection. There’s a term for this – it’s Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD. 

It’s often overlooked in diagnostic screenings, but the truth is that 1 in 3 say it’s the hardest part of living with ADHD (Additude 2020).

What does Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) look like?

• Overwhelming sadness, anger or shame in response to perceived rejection 
• Negative self-talk and a negative sense of self
• Actively observing for signs of rejection or negative feedback

How can Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) affect relationships? 

• Avoiding or cutting people off quickly after feeling rejected
• ‘People pleasing’ and going to great lengths to avoid criticism or disapproval. This can often lead to overcommitting and being scared to say ‘no’ to things
• Emotional outbursts when our feelings are hurt, even if the feedback was meant to be constructive

Remember: Feeling hurt by rejection doesn’t mean you’re over-sensitive – it’s part of how your brain processes emotions.

3. Limerence

When it comes to romantic relationships, people with ADHD can often experience limerence, which is characterised by an involuntary, obsessive and intense infatuation with another person.

Though not exclusively experienced by people with ADHD, the emotional dysregulation, novelty-seeking and dopamine-driven focus typical of ADHD can make limerence more extreme for those of us with ADHD.

What does limerence look like?

• Obsessive thinking about a person and their actions
• Putting that person on a pedestal and focusing only on their positive traits
• Building unrealistic fantasies about a future together

How can limerence affect relationships?

• Ignoring red flags due to the high dopamine and intense emotional pull 
• Emotional dependency and relying too heavily on their attention for your mood
• Neglecting other relationships (such as friends, family and existing partners)
• Unrealistic expectations of a person, which often leads to disappointment

Remember: It’s easy to get caught up in the rush of a new connection, but try to stay grounded.

How Can We Build Healthy Relationships with ADHD?

Pace yourself

Allow relationships to develop gradually to avoid burnout. The dopamine highs you get from a new relationship might make it difficult to think about anything else, but try to slow down and take the time to get to know someone. Notice when things are moving quickly and check in with yourself.

Set clear limits

Communicate your needs with your partner, friends or loved ones and make sure you respect their boundaries too. Keeping things open and honest will help to avoid things like conflict avoidance and ‘treading on eggshells’.

Prioritise self-care

Don’t forget to carve out some time to do the things you enjoy. Maintain activities and spaces that recharge and ground you. 

Reality check

Give yourself time to separate your emotions from your desires. Ask yourself: is this limerence or is this a genuine connection? 

Consider relationship coaching and support

There’s no shame in seeking expert guidance. Relationship coaching or therapy can be incredibly helpful in learning how to navigate challenges like RSD, emotional dysregulation, or conflict.

If you’re struggling with any aspects of ADHD in relationships, it can be helpful speaking to people who get it. Have you been along to one of our ADHD Connect events yet? They’re safe spaces where you can meet like-minded neurodivergent adults and feel understood.